7 Tips for Ninja Sex at Your Parents’ House

Getting laid over the holidays isn’t always an easy proposition. A full house, required family face-time, and board games that seemingly last for.ev.er— it can all lead to too little time with your sweetie. Even if your family is cool with you getting down, you may not want them to know the exact moment you’re getting off.

But heaven knows after a long political debate with your dad over too many bottles of wine, the best stress relief may be a festive romp with your sweetie.

 

Here are 7 tips to make the coupling smooth and stealthy:

1) Scout the Location

 

If you’re lucky enough to have a private room, make sure the mattress doesn’t squeak and the headboard isn’t going to bang as hard as you are. Showers can be good in a pinch, just watch out for sloppy wet sex noises.

 

 

2) “Wrap presents”

 

Sometimes the only acceptable excuse for missing out on Priceless Family Memories, is prepping gifts for your mom. Be sure to ask for tape and scissors, then head to a lockable room to enjoy a different kind of scissoring.


 

 

3) Skip the vibrators

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, no matter how naive your aunt is, she knows a vibrator when she hears it. Get one of the super quiet ones or just crank up the radio.

 

 

 

4) Heavy blankets and pillows are your friends

 

Sometimes you just can’t hold back. Keep a pillow on hand for that magic moment when you just need to let go.

 

 

5) Drive separately

 

Heading to midnight mass? Family dinner? Try “running late” and then offering to drive separately.

 

 

6) Fake a hangover

 

You just need to sleep it off. Maybe your girlfriend can help by delivering aspirin and tea?

 

 

7) Play it cool

“I don’t know where my girlfriend is. I was just taking a nap.”

 

 

8) When in doubt, sneak out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes the best place to have sex is anywhere but the house.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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